Wednesday wonderings! 🤔

Why do I have 2 different sides to me. There is the honest genuine me that I am when I’m with my family or my daughter then there is this other side to me, it’s a guarded version of me. 

Its the side of me that appears when I’m talking to people who don’t know me or who do know me but have the potential to hurt me, the ones I care about and fear rejection from. 

It makes me wonder when I became so damaged and jaded by the past that I have to put up these walls to protect myself. 

I used to be optimistic and cheerful all the time. Then after getting mistreated and hurt and having my trust broken one too many times I realised the only way to stop yourself getting hurt is to not let anyone close enough to hurt you, so I built this façade of confidence, where I don’t let my insecurities show and if they do I mask it with sarcasm or laugh it off. I like the confident version of me, she seems like nothing can bother her and nothing will hurt her, it’s a shame that I am not like that really, the only problem with that side of me not being genuine is that I then just handle the hurt afterwards when I am alone. 

There are still people that get past these walls without me even realising it, these people are the ones that really mean a lot to me and that scares me the most. 

I often feel like I am too damaged and guarded to let anyone into my life again, to share my heart and my hopes and dreams with someone else. I no longer feel optimistic all the time anymore and that saddens me. 

There is someone I like, he is great but I feel he is a lot like me and that he too doesn’t trust anyone and so I feel like I need to be that person who can get past the walls he has built around himself, then there is the cynical part of me that thinks he probably doesn’t want me to get past them and that his heart belongs to another. I hate feeling insecure. 

I know I have talked on for a while on this post and I am thankful to anyone still reading. 

Any words of advice? Anyone feel anything like I do? 

Much love 

X

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