Spending time alone can make you feel many ways, for me being alone is depressing yet I also crave the quiet stillness of not doing anything.
I do not like being in big crowds of people, it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Yet if I am in a group of people I actually know and trust then it can be the best feeling ever.
I crave the closeness of a one on one relationship. Spending time with just one person, developing a closeness and a bond that becomes unbreakable. I do not need to be doing anything, I can literally just sit in silence with one person and feel so comfortable and loved.
My brain works in an unusual way and some days I can be extremely happy and bubbly and not worry about a thing and then other days I can feel very depressed and low and not know why. Some days my mind just overthinks things that aren’t even worth thinking about, it worries about situations that aren’t even real. It goes off on a tangent and before I know it I’ve worked myself up and can’t turn off.
On days when I feel that way I tend to retreat into myself and push people away, I can put up a barrier and not let anyone in and sometimes I need someone – just one person- to snap me out of it, the go against me and break through the wall I’ve built and quiet my inner voice, someone to stand in the centre of the storm that is going on inside me and anchor me, to make me realise I am not alone and I am being irrational.
Unfortunately because I don’t share how I am feeling there isn’t anyone who knows that’s what I need. I am my own worst enemy and sometimes I feel like I need someone who can just read my mind and know how I work and what triggers me. Someone to know me completely through the good and the bad.
I do not know if I am an introvert or not as I do not think like an introvert even though I may behave like one.
I try daily to battle my inner self and bring myself out of my bad thoughts before I even get to that point. I am progressing, I do feel more calm and genuinely happy for the first time in years.
I just want to be the best version of myself that I can actually be.